so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
