that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
