Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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