Will you blow on my dice?
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
