My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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