I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Couch. On fire.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
