At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
