I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I look excited, but its just a facade.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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