there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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