How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
