The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
