There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
