Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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