Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
