Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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