There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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