Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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