Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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