He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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