Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
