I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize