Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
