so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
