I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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