I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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