Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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