I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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