I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
