I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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