dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
