I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
