i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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