I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
