I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
