He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
