I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Randomize
