Little spoons don't ask big questions
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
