the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
