My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
