Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
