every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
