she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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