If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
