Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
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I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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