Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
