If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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