So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
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Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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