She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
