Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Randomize
