To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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