you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
