ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
