By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
