remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
