You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
