So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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