Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
